this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
