He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
