Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
