i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize