She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Couch. On fire.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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