hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
