I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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