I wanna passion pit in your ass
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I am midnight drunk by noon
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
