Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
