He disabled his match.com account in front of me
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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