I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize