My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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