Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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