I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize