I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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