Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
