help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
