she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
