At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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