Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
