I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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