Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
