Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize