It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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