i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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