I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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