Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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