You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
