his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
