We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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