Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
