I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
