I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
