What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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