Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize