You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
