Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize