I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
