remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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