seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
