Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
