I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
