My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
