So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
