You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
All I want is dick and wine.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
