It's Friday. Sex?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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