Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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