Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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