my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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