Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
