Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
