Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
