I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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