I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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