her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
