Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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