I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
