Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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