I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
be right there i have to get my cape
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
