can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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