On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
