I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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